Hi there. Gosh it feels weird saying that. But, hi.
Remember me? I remember you. I remember seeing you for the first time when I was just a spunky, naive, 14 year old girl. Your smile was the first thing that caught my eye. I at that point, completely understood what the phrase “heart melting” meant. Because baby, your smile melted mine.
You were so carefree, and don’t take this the wrong way, but really, really stupid. And not to mention impressionable! A stranger could triple dog dare you to do ANYTHING, and my love, you would do it.
I was really uptight, just naturally. I didn’t really have a lot of friends, like you did. I wasn’t super into my looks, and I did OK academically. I didn’t know what Facebook was, I didn’t understand why the cheerleaders at our school were so popular, and I definitely didn’t (and still don’t!) know how to find the circumference of a circle. I didn’t know much at 14. But I knew I loved you.
I’m not sure why. Looking at your life compared to mine, well my love, yours was a complete mess. You were, for lack of a better word, a freaking weirdo! You skateboarded, smoked cigarettes and walked around the hallways with your phone blasting music and annoying everyone around you.
But my God. No one made being goofy look quite as good as you did.
On paper, we really shouldn’t work. I’m convinced Corinthians 13:4 was written entirely with you in mind. You are the most gentle soul I have ever encountered. You love anyone and everyone. Especially me.
I know I’m not easy to love. Especially since we’ve entered this new chapter in our lives. You work, I stay home. Some days I clean, but most days I don’t. I have super big dreams, but am having a hard time prioritizing them right now, but you always lead me with such grace and encouragement that I always feel like I could conquer the world. I am sarcastic, loud, and bratty. My ego is the size of Japan. I know it. I’m moody, even more so now that I’m home with a baby all day. So I apologize for any and every unintentional outburst that might happen.
I know I need to work on a lot. I will never be the perfect housewife. I don’t want to be. But I know I need to work on kissing you as soon as you come home from work. I know I need to work on being intimate more (my GOD I definitely need to work on that!). I need to start sharing blankets with you at night so we can snuggle, because I know that’s your favorite. I need to let you choose the movie every once in a while, because I think if you watch Elizabethtown one more time you might blow your brains out.
I feel like the one thing no one prepared us for was exactly how much a marriage changes once you have children. I never heard anyone talk about it. It changes in the best and worst possible ways. No books, or articles we read while I was pregnant ever mentioned anything. It was never mentioned how hard it is to compartmentalize being a parent, being a spouse, being a friend… There are days when you come home and I just don’t feel like being touched by anyone– because I’ve been holding a baby all day. I can’t imagine how hard that is for you. Just like there are days where you come home and have been thinking about having “alone time” with me, only to be turned down or have me fall asleep while rocking the baby, and then me waking up in the middle of the night feeling absolutely rotten. Like I had just failed as a wife once again, because I know when you wake up you’re going to try everything in your power to make sure I don’t see how disappointed you are. I’m sure you don’t know how hard that is for me.
I miss you. Even though I go to bed with you every night, and drink a cup of coffee with you every morning. I’m not sure what I miss. Probably a lot. I miss the simplicity of it being “just us”. Not that being a mommy isn’t rad. But I will ALWAYS be your wife first.
One thing that’s always been easy for us is communication. I think we’ve only ever had 4 fights because we never, ever hide how we feel. We always talk, and sometimes over share. Sometimes it keeps things fresh, sometimes it makes things uncomfortable. But I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything in this world.
One thing I did read over and over again in those parenting books was that being a parent always comes naturally to one more than the other. Now, you may argue, but being a daddy is 110% your thing. I had super high expectations, because I was pretty sure I was raised by one of the best fathers out there. And I know you felt the pressure because you wanted to be nothing like your own father. I know it’s only been 3 months– but as far as dads go, you’re about as bad ass as they come.
And as far as HUSBANDS go– you put all the others to shame. You’re so perfect, you often make it hard for me to relate to other people and their relationship issues. I never have to ask you for anything. You never expect praise. You go above and beyond for me. You make me laugh harder and harder each day. I think one of my favorite things about you is how you sometimes just say outrageous nonsense to get my attention and make me scrunchy face snort laugh! You never pass on a moment to smack my ass, or kiss my forehead, or hug me so tight I can’t breathe.
I’m so, so obsessively grateful for you. The life you give us. How hard you work to be the perfect husband, perfect daddy. I know sometimes it’s only going to get harder. And sometimes it’s going to be easier. As long as I have you, I know it’s all going to be worth it.
I love you.